One year changed me. Happy Birthday

Dear Brylee June,

Happy first birthday. My eyes are filling with tears right now just typing those words. My heart is so happy that you are turning one today, but I am overwhelmed with how you have changed my life. I have had a good life. God has blessed me through each year that I have lived, but the way He blessed me this year cannot even be put into words.

This has been the best year of my life.

Your face is the most precious thing I have ever seen in my life. Your eyes are bright blue just like your Aunt AJ's. They melt my heart when you look at me. Your mouth is always doing funny faces...you could seriously win a "cutest mouth contest" if it existed. Your feet are just like mine. You scrunch your toes and play with your feet just like I do. Your fingernails constantly remind me that God is so real. Just the fact that a tiny baby can be born with tiny fingernails is solid proof that babies are a miracle. And only God can perform miracles. Your ears are just like your Daddy's, they stick out a little and I think it is so cute. Your thighs are chubby. They are so cute...I just hope if they stay chubby that you always love them like I do. Your nose is squishy just like mine, that is the first thing I looked at when you came into this world. Your bottom has baby cellulite. Cellulite works for you though, and I can't say that about many girls. Your smile is infectious. No one can look at your smile without smiling back. You are a miracle Brylee, every inch of you. You are a perfect miracle from God and your life has changed me.

You have made this the best year of my life. I am amazed at how one year has changed me. I picked out one picture from each month that is special to me. (That was hard to do since I take about 200 pictures a month!) I picked each picture out for a reason...each picture has meaning.

There will be times in your life when you will struggle, or times when you may wonder what your purpose is. I want you to feel confident in the fact that God had a special purpose for you, even from the first year you were born. God used your little life to open my eyes to what real life is all about.

Here is how one year has changed me.

I have shared this picture before. This picture expresses a million words. There is nothing in this world that could ever make me feel the way I did the minute you were born. On November 25, 2008, at 6:02 pm my heart changed. My life had a new meaning that was more special than anything I had ever experienced before. I felt my life changing in that moment, but I had no idea what the first year would teach me. I will never forget this moment with you.

One month old. I learned very quickly what it meant to be truly unselfish. I always thought I knew but I was wrong. True unselfishness means always thinking about someone else first. I had never had to do this before. The day you were born I had to learn how to do it every day. I didn't mind one bit. It has been good for me.
Two months old. I quickly began to look at things differently. Some things were serious, some funny. Life with a baby was just so different. It started to matter if it was raining outside because I knew that by the time I got you out of the car and inside we would both be soaked. It was easier to just stay home. Everything started to revolve around nap time. I couldn't just "go" when I wanted, I had to plan everything around the 9:00 and 1:00 nap. I started to notice that some people are so kind, and others are so mean. I would notice how some would open my door as they watched me limp to the door with a huge diaper bag, car seat and baby. Others would just pass me up. I just really started to notice things that I didn't notice before. I noticed changing tables, highchair cleanliness, places where I could find hot water for your bottle, and little things like that. My eyes just saw everything in a new way.
Three months old. I accepted the fact that I wouldn't get to be "fixed up" everyday. I accepted the fact that make-up would only happen if you slept that extra 15 minutes. I accepted the fact that a shower was not the first thing on my list anymore and it was ok if went 3 days without washing my hair. It was just how it was. Before you I was always fixed up. And after you it was just ok if I couldn't.
Four months old. I have seen the difference between little girls and big girls. When I say big girls I mean grown ups. Little girls are so full of life, innocent minded, and it never even crosses their mind that they are inadequate or don't measure up. Little girls are full of joy, they constantly smile, and they are not controlled by the world. I wish little girls never had to grow up. I hope that when you do grow up you will still have a piece of your sweet "little girl spirit" inside of you. It's a shame that so many big girls lose that.
Five months old. Being a good role model matters now more than ever. As a teacher I always tried to do my best, and be a good example for my students. It was always important to me. There were times where I failed, I will admit that. But with you, I feel like I can't fail. I don't want to let you down. I know in my heart that there will be a day when I will let you down, because I am human, but it matters so much to me to try not to.
Six months old. I have honestly learned what a smile can do for someone. Brylee, I have had some rough days during this first year of your life. Your smile has given me strength when I was weak, hope when I felt hopeless, and joy when I needed it most. Because of your smile, I want to smile more. I want to make others feel loved in the same way that you make me feel loved.
Seven months old. I learned to love your Daddy in a different way. It started the day you were born, but it was a slow process. I began to see your Daddy as the person who would demonstrate a males love to your little eyes. I was a teacher for a long time and unfortunately I saw how Daddy's destroy the hearts of little girls if they are not careful. Over the past year I have learned the importance of your Daddy in your life. I have learned that there are some things that I cannot model for you in the same way that he can. He loves you very much.
Eight months old. Your Aunt Brittany has fought cancer the entire first year of your life. Watching someone fight cancer is never easy, especially someone as young as your Aunt Brittany. Over this year I have thought a lot about having to watch you struggle as you go throughout your life. Right now I have no idea what your struggles will be but I know you will have them. My prayer is that you will always have your eyes fixed on Jesus as you go through them. This year I have learned to fix my eyes on Jesus. In some ways it has been a very rough year for me and if I had not had my eyes fixed on Jesus then I would be lost. I have realized the importance of this, as well as the importance of teaching you this as you grow.
Nine months old. I have always been a passionate person. When I believe in something I put everything into it and I run with it. Since you were born that fire inside of me has just spread in so many directions. You fuel my passionate heart, and right now my heart is just running wild...in the best way.
Ten months old. I always heard there was nothing sweeter than a mother-daughter bond. Even though I had heard it many times, I had to experience it myself for me to understand it. I knew what it felt like to be the daughter, and that feels special but now I understand what it feels like to be the mother. The bond is definitely so sweet, uniquely special, and could never be put into words. We definitely have a "heart" connection and I thank God for letting me experience this.
Eleven months old. Leaving a legacy has been on my mind a lot this past year. I understand it is important to make my mark on this world, in whatever way that I can, but after having you I see that you are my personal legacy. I desire for my life to be lived in a way that is contagious to you and everyone around me. Leaving a legacy is a priceless gift.
One year old. Watching you grow each month has been a humbling experience. There is nothing greater than watching you learn something for the first time. There is nothing better than watching you see something for the first time, or hear something for the first time. With you it has always been the simple things that get and keep your attention. I remember the first time you reached out and hit a door stopper. You had never heard that sound before. Your little face looked up at me and you cried the biggest cry because it scared you. You have not touched a door stopper since. You love to learn and so far you learn from your mistakes. I hope that is a quality that you will carry with you Brylee. It's ok to mess up, but it's important to learn from it. You love to learn, and I love to watch you learn.

One year of your life has had so much meaning. One year has changed me, and I love that it is only the beginning. I hope you always know in your heart that God brought you into this world for a special purpose. He has great plans for you, and I look forward to watching Him use your life for His glory.

I wanted to pick out the perfect song for your birthday blog. Ideas came and went, but one song stuck with me. It's an older song, and a song that is used at many weddings across the world every day I'm sure. It's a love song but it fits the way I feel about you.

The song is called "I will be here" by Steven Curtis Chapman. I have listened to it for years but when I listened to it this time the words hit my heart like a ton of bricks. Brylee, I want you to know that life is not always fun, and doesn't always go as planned. However, I will always be here for you. I will never ever leave you no matter what. And just like the song says....I cannot wait to "watch you grow in beauty." You are a beautiful little girl Brylee, and your beauty shines from the inside out.

Happy Birthday Brylee June, I love you more than you will ever know. Love, Mommy