10 in 2010

In 34 minutes it will be 2010. As I sit here thinking back on many new years eve celebrations, I think the most memorable for me is when we went from the year 1999 to the year 2000. That was a big year. I remember being excited but also scared at the same time. I remember people running around, buying bottled water and supplies because they thought that the world was going to go into chaos as soon as it hit midnight. I am sure many of you remember that period of time and all of the anxiety that many felt in that moment.

I don't even remember where I was or how I celebrated, I just remember being fearful of the unknown. But at 12:01 in the year 2000 I think many of us settled down pretty fast as we looked around and everything was the same. It's humerus to me now.

Here I am 10 years later and that night seems like yesterday. I am sitting here in my bed, blogging on the computer, and listening to Brandon sleep. It's not even midnight and he has been out like a light for over an hour. I refuse to go to sleep before midnight so I figured this would be a good time to blog my thoughts for the upcoming year. You may ask why we are not celebrating this evening....well, Miss Brylee is still not feeling well and she wakes up often. I didn't feel good about leaving her here with a sitter so we just decided to relax at home tonight. We had pizza, wine, looked at houses on the internet, laid around talking, and even managed to get through half of a movie. Once B fell asleep I hit pause on the movie and started blogging. That brings me to right now.

As soon as I sat down I read a verse that seems very fitting for right now in my life.

Matthew 6:21

"Where your treasure is there your heart will be also."

I have learned some priceless lessons in 2009 that I will forever be thankful for. I feel like 2009 was so extreme. I experienced some of the highest "highs" I have ever known as I watched my precious little girl enjoy the first year of her life. At the same time I have experienced the lowest of lows as Brittany lost her battle with cancer. You can't really put either of those experiences into words and actually do them justice but I have tried my best. 2009 was definitely a year of extremes. One lesson I re-learned was that my heart always shows. I have learned that whatever my heart is filled with will be exactly what pours out of me. This is most evident in my writing. When my heart is filled with joy, my writing is joyful. When my heart is hurting, my writing brings tears. When my heart is excited, my writing is motivating. It's obvious that my heart guides my words and my heart is something that I cannot hide.

That's why I love this verse. Many times you can tell what a person treasures most because it's written all over their face and it is flowing out of them. 2010 is going to be a big year, an important year, and hopefully a year that many of us will remember for a long time. I want my heart to filled with so much joy that it is infectious to everyone around me. I want God to continue to teach me, guide me, and use me to bring others to Him. I want my "treasures" to be Heavenly treasures and not material treasures. I just don't feel like 2010 will be ordinary, my prayer is that it will be extra-ordinary in numerous ways.

10 years ago I spent New Years Eve at some big celebration I'm sure but I was SO fearful of the unknown. Tonight I am sitting in my bed celebrating New Years Eve but I am so far from fearful. Actually I am so anxious and dying to know how God is going to work in 2010. Yes, it's still the unknown, but it doesn't bother me because I have complete faith in the one who is running this show. I think 10 years ago I lacked some sort of faith as I sat there so fearful because my God has not changed. He was, He is, and He always will be.

I am not big on new years resolutions. 95% of resolutions made will be broken by day 7. Just my opinion. However, I came up with some things that I want to document on here and I call them...."10 in 2010." I want this year to be one of the best years of my life so I am choosing to make my actions matter and do everything I can to serve others.

(As I was writing the clock turned midnight. I heard the fireworks outside so I took a minute to wish Brandon a Happy New Years! He was so dead asleep I had to kiss him 10 times to wake him up! 10 is the number tonight!)

Tanna's 10 in 2010:

1. Brandon and I are going to do a couples devotional together each night before bed. This will be something new for us but my prayer is that God will grow our marriage more than we could ever imagine.

2. I am going to memorize 12 specific bible verses so that my mind will be able to fight off Satan because I know I will be a target once again.

3. Due to the fact that I have not felt well for about 6 weeks, my workouts have suffered. I heard and read that the best thing you can do for RA is to keep working out even when you don't feel like it. Starting Monday I am going to push through, pain or no pain, and get back on track. I will not let this keep me down!

4. On Monday I am starting "school" with Brylee. I created a playroom/learning room upstairs and I am going to start teaching her in a more organized environment. I miss teaching sometimes so I think this will be a neat experience for her. She already knows the letters B and R...no telling how much she will know at the end of this year! I am looking forward to this special time with her.

5. I am going to forgive someone that has hurt me.

6. Brandon and I are going to make a will....mostly for Brylee in case something were to happen to us. After these last few months we both realized that we take life for granted and you just never know what is going to happen. I always wanted Brylee to be taken care of in the best way.

7. I am going to set aside $100 a month (from my shopping money) and save it. Random I know, it's just something I know I need to do.

8. Do something that will make Brandon proud of me.

9. I am going to use my testimony to serve the women in my church. I am going to be completely transparent and allow God to use my pain to touch someone else. I have never been able to completely share my testimony on my blog, it just hasn't felt right, but I know God wants to use my testimony in someones life in my church. I will be obedient to that.

10. Number 10 is going to be "unknown" right now. I promise to share one day.

I hope that next New Years Eve I will be able to look back on this blog and check each number off. Not because I am OCD with lists, but because I know that God will use each of these "numbers" to help someone else in some way.

I look forward to my 10 in 2010, I really do. I have had many of these on my heart and on my mind for a while now and it is time I am obedient. I believe God honors our obedience. I encourage you to not just make a resolution that will fade away by January 7th. Make 2010 one of the best years of your life by being obedient to what God has asked you to do. Happy New Years, and may God's light be seen in our lives in 2010!

Far From Perfect

My baby is sick. These are pictures of her this morning around 8 as we were driving to the doctor. She didn't make a sound, except for the congestion in her nose as she was trying to breathe. It's so hard for me to watch her suffer, even though it is just a virus that will soon pass. Every time she coughs I hurt, every time she struggles to breathe I want it to stop, and every time she looks at me and cries I want to be able to fix it. I am just not good at watching her be sick...it makes me sad.

We put her to bed at 7:30 tonight, later than usual, and she has already woken up screaming 5 times. It's 10. I think I might just make a pallet on her floor so that I am right there and ready for her the next time :)

My head is pounding right now from lack of sleep. My eyes are swollen from all the tears...today has been a hard day. And my heart is heavy because God has been trying to teach me all day and Satan has been constantly up in my face. I wish I could back fist him and get him out of my way but sometimes you just have to learn that there will be days when Satan is in your face. Today is my day. Lucky for me, I am well aware of the situation and I am ready to get up tomorrow to start fresh.

Although I don't like days like today when Satan is showing himself in my life, I think that often times it is necessary. It keeps me on my feet, and it helps me to continually get my eyes back on God. This world has a way of getting our attention so I am grateful for the reminders.

Over the last few months I have had several people write to me, who were strangers, telling me that my life seems so perfect from their end. It seemed like they needed me to tell them that it's not. I sincerely do my best to be transparent through my writing, but when I read a few of these emails it made me wonder. When I read the word "perfect" I just didn't understand.

Over the past year I have struggled immensely, as many of you have seen. You have read how Satan began attacking me and my family around the time I committed to women's ministry and he has continued to do so as you read earlier in this post. I don't try to think of a blog post each evening when I sit down to write. I simply start writing what is on my mind and my heart at that moment. Some days it's light in nature, maybe about something fun that Brylee and I did that day. Other days it's deep, maybe something that God has taught me that day. And then there are days like today where my heart is heavy because I feel defeated. My writing roots from my heart and is not edited. Rarely do I re-read my writing and change anything.

If you know me on a personal level you would agree that I am an open book. What you see is what you get. I put it all out there, "the flowers and the dirt", and just pray that God can get glory from all of it. Sometimes I think He gets the most glory from the dirt in my life.

I had several of these emails on my mind for months now but I didn't feel the need to write about them until now. I felt like today was a good day to refer to them because today I felt defeated. I am sure it's a combination of a lack of sleep, a sick baby, rheumatoid arthritis pain, putting on a pair of pants that Brittany had given me that brought back a memory, almost running out of gas an hour away from home, one of those headaches you get from crying too much (those are the worst), and then an argument with Brandon to top it all off. Today I felt defeated. There is no doubt that God has bloomed some beautiful flowers in my life, but I assure you those flowers did not come without some dirt along the way. I am not sure how much more clear I can be but all I can say is this....

My life is truly amazing, but it is far from perfect. Promise.

Tiger Woods

It seems like every time I get on the Internet now there is a picture of Tiger Woods with some sort of negative headline. It's safe to say that everyone is aware of his choices and how his choices have effected not only his life but millions of other lives.

I have always looked up to Tiger Woods. There are not many "famous people" who appear to live the kind of life that others admire. Sure there are famous people who we "think" we wish we could be, but once we see what's behind closed doors we usually change our mind. Lots of affairs, drug addictions, alcoholism, etc. I have always said that famous people have "everything" except the most important thing...and that is Jesus. I am sure some of them have Jesus, but you get the picture. Their lives are too much in our business thanks to all the paparazzi.

Back to Tiger. His life appeared to be much cleaner than most famous people. Many admired him, my husband included. Brandon admired him so much that if Tiger were on the TV then I just knew not to interrupt that moment. Sometimes I chose to interrupt because I needed him and that usually didn't end well. Tiger was just someone special and he sure did get some respect in this household.

It is amazing how one mistake can effect so much. Tiger's infidelity has obviously caused an uproar around the world, and after reading many of the news articles I can see why. Many depended on him for their stocks in certain products. Many golf tournaments depended on him to make big bucks in a tournament. TV stations depended on him for their ratings. Numerous endorsements have been altered. Young boys looked to Tiger as their idol. And the saddest one, his wife depended on him to be faithful.

This whole situation is sad but it parallels with something that I am learning right now. Too often we depend on someone else to make us happy, fulfill our needs, provide for us, and to make us feel secure. We are constantly "using" someone else to do a job that may not be their job to do.

It's unfortunate that Tiger has effected so many, but at the same time these people were depending on a HUMAN to get what they wanted/needed in their different situations. Humans are imperfect and humans will fail you. Most of our decisions don't effect millions, like Tiger, but they do effect many.

I continue to hear God reminding me that He will fulfill me, not a person. Although I believe this, there are times when it is very difficult to be consistent in living this out. There are times when Brandon will do something sweet and it makes me so happy. And there are times when he doesn't and I will allow myself to have a pity party. As you can see, in both of these situations I am allowing Brandon to be the deciding factor in how I feel and that is not fair. He is human and he can't do God's job.

I have found that I am never left empty or sad when I am reading scripture, worshipping at church, praying for others, or simply spending time with God. I am constantly fulfilled. I have seen that when I am "happy in Him" then my emotions not so easily swayed by other peoples actions. I am more grounded when I let God do his job in me.

I remember a song we used to sing at church. There was a line in it that said..."Jesus you're my firm foundation, I know I can stand secure."

With Him as my foundation I have seen my life be transformed. A foundation built on the truth of God is not something that will be messed with when the storms hit.

Over the next year there are going to be many "things" effected by the choices of Tiger Woods and many lives will be changed. When you place your hope in a human this is the outcome. Although Tiger appeared to be living a clean life, we are now seeing that he was just really good at hiding the dirt. It's a shame because I know he was extremely well-respected. I don't really look at him much differently. He sinned just like we have all sinned. The big difference is that he is famous and he got caught. It's sad, but I am not going to sit here and dwell on his mistakes because I sin too. I just really think this is a huge lesson and I know that God has been trying to open my eyes for months now on this very issue. I can say that I am working on it but I still have a ways to go. It is very easy to depend on my husband, and especially my little girl, to make me happy. I am thankful that God uses all things to get my attention and remind me that my happiness comes from Him.

There are some still in shock with this entire Tiger Woods situation, my prayer is that God will use it for His glory. And I hope the rest of us will re-direct our eyes daily and let God fulfill us...it's so much better that way.

Speaking of re-directing...Brylee is out of control with this walking thing!! Today she was almost running and we had to keep re-directing her before she ran into things. She is hilarious. She doesn't look down at her feet so if something is in her way she just hits it. I have a feeling we are in for some pretty bruises but I guess I will cross my fingers they are not too bad!

Challenge 4 Info

Challenge 4 Beauties!!

I just sent out an information email AND an information form for you to fill out. If you DID NOT get it then I do not have you signed up for The Challenge. PLEASE email me asap if you did not receive it and you were supposed to!! This was the only way I knew (the blog) how to check and make sure I had all the correct emails. ALL the information you need is in that email, so let me know if you did not get it!! Thanks Beauties!! I look forward to seeing what God is going to do in the next 10 weeks!!!!

Worn out again

I seriously just spent the last 12 hours unpacking, organizing Christmas gifts, doing 9 loads of laundry, running errands, and dealing with a sick baby! We got home at 12:45 in the morning last night and spent all day today doing all those fun things. It's 10:40pm and I am still NOT done!!!! Going out of town with a baby just takes it all out of me, I am not even kidding. I don't have another trip planned for months and that is the only reason I can even breathe right now :)

On a side note, I have finally finished responding to all of you Challenge 4 Beauties! The deadline has passed so you should have received an email back from me saying that you are signed up. However, as crazy as things have been, I would not be surprised if I missed someone. So if you have NOT heard from me and you already emailed me, please email me again to make sure you are on my list. You will all be getting an information email from me by Friday so be looking for that as well! I am excited to get started with another round on Monday!

So anyway, Brylee is so sick. Last night I was up with her all night until about 4. I slept in her room on the floor so that I would be close to her and I am glad I did because I think I got up to rock her over 15 times. I won't complain though. Sometimes those are the sweetest moments ever. Every time I rocked her she would just lay her head on my shoulder, hold onto my arm, and fall back asleep.

Last night I realized that I better take advantage of these opportunities while I can because she is growing fast. Every day I tell myself that there is no way I could love her more, but then every day I do. I just hope she feels better in the morning, I hate seeing her sick.

Here are a few more pictures from Christmas that I will end this with. I am completely worn out! Luckily this is a slow week so I plan to rest up for 2010!! I feel that God is going to do some great things in 2010. I have no doubt there will be struggles, but I am anxious for the memories to come.

We loved the snow on Christmas Eve!!


Here is Miss B opening lots of presents!

My sister had fun blowing bubbles to Brylee...you can tell by her face that she loved it too!

My brother with Brylee...I love this picture.

Meaningful Christmas Gifts

Christmas 2009 was filled with the most meaningful gifts of my life. I don't even know where to begin. I will start with Brylee....

She is the only grandchild on both sides of our families so she definitely gets super spoiled. Like I said in an earlier blog entry, she really figured out the gift opening thing at our third stop. One of the gifts that touched me was this sign for her room that says "Jesus Loves Me." I had seen things like this before, but it's always neat when someone else thinks to buy your child something so special.

My mom bought her this gift, and my prayer is that she will always know that the sign is true. It's so important to teach them early and I am thankful everyone around Brylee agrees.

Brandon and I did our "theme gifts" this year. We loved it! We didn't get these big extravagant things, but everything we got was very special. I had many asking what we chose to give so I will post it here! I will start with what I gave Brandon:

Something Useful: A drink cooler for his hunting trips

Something to make your spouse smile: A 1-hour massage at Massage Envy

Something sweet: Big league chew bubble gum (his fav)

An Ornament: I got him a nurse ornament with Brittany's birth and Heaven dates on it. I also got him a dental ornament for the practice he is at. We have a tradition where each year we give an ornament that has some sort of meaning to that year. I felt Miss Brittany needed to represent our tree for 2009!

Something Spiritual: The Love Dare FULL year couples devotional. Each day you read it and pray with your spouse. I am looking forward to that!

Something Thoughtful: I gave him a hand-painted frame with a picture of him, his brother and Brittany in it.

Here is a picture of one of the gifts I gave him!

Now for what Brandon gave to me:

Something Useful: A nice pink pen. Long story!

Something sweet: Tons of candy

Something to make your spouse smile: An eye mask that I wanted badly

Something Thoughtful: A silver chain

Something Spiritual: A silver Christian fish necklace. Love it.

An Ornament: He gave me an angel ornament. On the angels wings it says "You are in my prayers." This was the best gift Brandon had ever given to me. We have been through a lot over the past few months and I have truly seen God work in his life. He has been praying for me to himself, and out loud, daily and it has been the best thing he could have ever done for me. When I opened up the ornament I just about cried because he chose something that meant the world to me. I feel protected knowing that he is praying for me, and over me, and his gift had so much meaning.

Alison was taking pictures of us and she captured this moment so well. It kind of looks "staged" but it wasn't. I was so thankful and touched!

A week ago Brandon got a tattoo. He got a tattoo of the cancer ribbon that we all wore on our wrists as Brittany fought leukemia. Once Brittany went to Heaven, Brandon wanted that cancer ribbon on his wrist forever. So that is what he did.

He also wanted his brother to get the same tattoo. So for Dustin's Christmas gift, we put a picture of Brandon getting the tattoo in an envelope so when he opened it he would see what his gift was. The picture said...

"You're next...On us!" It was pretty cool.
Another special gift this year!
I wanted to end with the most special gifts of them all. When we got to Arkansas we did our normal Christmas like we always have in the past. It was different without Brittany, and there were tears shed. It's one of those things that hits you the hardest during the holidays. We spent the rest of the day eating, playing and resting.

Around 8:30 that night Brittany's mom came into the living room with a big tub. It was full of gifts. We all kind of looked around, wondering what they were for, since we had already done our Christmas.

Months ago, before Brittany went to Houston, Brittany had went Christmas shopping. She was worried that once she got to Houston she would be getting her bone marrow transplant and she wouldn't be able to buy Christmas gifts for her family. So yes, she bought gifts for EVERYONE.

One at a time Brittany's mom passed out the gifts. I cried every time a new gift was passed out. I just couldn't believe it. I knew Brittany was thoughtful, but this was above and beyond thoughtfulness. This was a true blessing. Every single one of us was so touched by the gifts. I think the neatest part was that we were able to receive one last gift from Brittany. I know I will cherish and save the gifts she gave to me and I will never forget the blessing that Brittany gave to me this Christmas. It was so emotional for me, but it was so special.

Brittany didn't stop there. Weeks before she went to Heaven she had ordered "TEAM BRITTANY" t-shirts for the family. Although the shirts came too late for her to see them, they were not too late for us to wear them. We enjoyed Christmas Day as we laughed, cried, and enjoyed the presence of Brittany. I will never ever forget these memorable gifts of Christmas 2009!

Almost done

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Our Christmas was very nice, emotional at times, but definitely one to remember. We are finishing up our last Christmas spot today....we are at our 4th spot!! No time to blog much until we are done here but I will have lots to post once I can!

Miss Brylee had the best time! She learned how to open presents and by the third stop she pretty much had it down! I can't wait to post all the pictures and updates very soon!

Merry Christmas

"This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in clothes and lying in a manger."

I truly believe that even from the beginning God gave "signs" and He spoke to His people through circumstances and through other Christians. My prayer is that we will all open our eyes and be ready for God to speak to us. Let's not get too busy that we miss what God is trying to show us and teach us this Christmas.

We wish you a VERY happy and Merry Christmas this year. My prayer is that God blesses each of you and your families this year. We will be back to the blogging world after the holidays! Love, The Horton Family



Brylee was fine with Santa at first but then she went nuts!!!!








Lately Brylee gets her feelings hurt and she does the sweetest little cry. She has two cries. The first cry is what she does when she doesn't get her way and we don't feel too sorry for her. But if you hurt her feelings or scare her she pooches her lip and it is the saddest cry ever.



We had Christmas with my family last night...

My sister, me and my sister-in-law Alison.....



Brylee got a big pink ball for Christmas from her Aunt Cindy and she loved it!

This is my cousin Cody with Brylee. They look more like cousins though!

Have a MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!