A Pretty Smile, Priceless.

Warning: This is a long post, but it explains so much about me that I felt I needed to share today :)


Growing up I did not have a pretty smile. It was just one of those things. This morning as I was writing to the Beauties, I began thinking about how my "flaw" affected me back then. I always knew that having an imperfect smile was a struggle for me, but lately I have seen that it went much deeper than that. After just a few minutes of sitting and thinking back, I began to see that God was trying to open up the door to once again teach my heart something that it needed to hear.

I have always been the kind of person that loves to laugh. Laughing is something that makes me feel good all over. I love laughing so hard that it hurts. I love those moments when you are not supposed to laugh, but you do, and then you can't stop. (That always seems to happen at the worst moments, but I can't help, I love that feeling) I love seeing other people laugh, especially Brandon. When he laughs he gets the biggest smile I have ever seen, we call it the clown smile. I think I have mentioned this before. I love seeing Brylee laugh, especially when she belly laughs. I could listen to that sound over and over and never get tired of it. I love being in a room when someone says something funny. My favorite thing to do is just look around and watch everyone laugh, it brings me so much joy.

Laughing was something that I always did, even though I always felt insecure when I did it. It's like I would start laughing, but once I remembered that I didn't have a pretty smile it didn't feel the same. On the outside I was laughing, but on the inside I was thinking about my smile and wondering what the other person was thinking. It was like I would have a conversation in my head, with myself, about what others were thinking. Looking back I realize how damaging that was but at the time it was just what I did.

It wasn't until 7th grade when my insecurity became a reality to me. I was sitting in Home Economics class at Kennedy Middle School, at a round table, with about 6 kids. It was the end of class and we had an extra 5 minutes to talk. I remember that last 5 minutes like it happened yesterday, even though it was over 15 years ago. My friend and I were laughing and one of the boys at the table said something along the lines of....

"You could butter bread with your teeth."

I just stared at him, not understanding his joke. Within seconds he made sure I understood his joke, as he proceeded to tell me that my teeth were more yellow than white.

People say that words can be forgotten, but I don't agree. There is nothing nicer than a compliment, but there is nothing more damaging than a hurtful word. I never forgot that boys joke, or his hurtful words, and I know that was the beginning of an insecurity that stole so much away from me.

When I was teaching there was not much that could make me mad, I had a lot of patience. But the one thing I didn't have patience for was when one of my boys would make fun of one of my girls. My girls were 12, the same age I was when I took "a hit" that stayed with me forever. I always made it very clear to the boys that they would see my wrath if they chose to call the girls fat or make fun of their physical appearance. I knew first hand what that would do to the girls and I didn't put up with that in my classroom. Too often teachers, and even parents, allow kids to make fun of other kids and that is just not something I can handle. I think they write it off, like it's no big deal, but it is a big deal.

Most of my school days were good school days, but a day didn't go by that I didn't worry about my smile or worry about what others were thinking of me. I wanted it fixed, but I didn't know how to go about making that happen. I was shy, and embarrassed to say anything, but I sure wish I would have. It took a long time to break free from that insecurity.

This morning I shared with the Beauties how God sees our true worth as a person. We tend to look at what the world sees as "worthy" but God looks at so much more. For so long I felt that I wasn't good enough, because I didn't have a perfect smile like my other friends, but I was so far from seeing the truth. I allowed my flaw to define my worth and what a mistake that was. Looking back I don't think that others viewed me as less because of my smile. I am sure they noticed my imperfect smile, but they loved me anyways. That was the part I struggled with, loving myself despite my flaw. I think it's natural to see our flaws, and even dwell on them, but I have learned that doesn't get us to the place where God desires us to be. If anything it is another obstacle that keeps us from experiencing God's best.

Years went by and there came a time when my imperfect smile became a major issue again. It was always in the back of my mind, but life went on. I dated, and it never seemed to matter to who I was dating. But the day I realized I was falling in love with Brandon, it changed. I don't know why, he had been my best friend for years. He knew what I looked like more than anyone and he always seemed to love me anyways. I remember him always talking about how he was going to go to dental school, and I am sure that is where my fear rooted from. He never once mentioned a word, but it was always on my mind. I fell for him anyways, I fell hard, we got married and my imperfect smile never got in the way. Until he went to dental school....

Once again he never said a word about it, but at this point it really bothered me. I think what bothered me the most was when I would have to attend his dental school parties and functions. It was almost like an unspoken expectation for wives of dentists...they need to have a pretty smile. Because of that, I hated, and I mean hated going to the functions and it was even worse if I had to smile. Many times I didn't smile. I think that was a mistake, and something I regret, because others judged me for it. There is no other way to say this, but some would even call me a "bitch" because they said I was snobby. They thought I was snobby because I would just stand there, without a smile on my face, and look around. Little did they know that my heart was pounding, I was constantly on the verge of tears, and I wanted more than anything to join "the group" and smile with them. Sometimes I would try to fit in, but most of the time it was too hard. I never had a problem fitting in until this point in my life so it was hard for me to even put myself in those situations. I just let them think I was a snobby because I didn't know how else to be. I remember wishing that they would get to know me, maybe they would like me, but it just seemed impossible.

One night Brandon and I were talking and I finally just told him. He responded to me and said "I had no idea you felt this way." Opening up to him was the best thing I could have done because he wanted to help me. He didn't want me to feel this way. Immediately he began the process to help me get what I wanted. What did I want? I wanted to be able to smile confidently. I wanted to be able to laugh and just feel that joy, without all the other feelings that would tag along with it. I told Brandon "I wanted a perfect smile" but there was so much more behind that perfect smile.

We had to take baby steps to get me what I longed for. My teeth were not "easy." I couldn't just slap on some veneers and be done with the process in a month. I was disappointed when I learned that it would take many procedures, but I was willing to do anything for that smile. I am glad too because it was a much tougher journey than I bargained for.

After about a year, a retainer, reconstructive gum surgery, 8 veneers, and then another reconstructive gum surgery....I had the smile I had longed for. And all I could say was..."It was worth waiting for."

I remember the gum surgeries well, the pain was very extreme and the healing process was long. I had stitches going across all of my top teeth, and I was doped up on pain meds for a while. I also remember them telling me that I was going to have to go through it again and do a second gum surgery. There is nothing worse than doing something twice, after you know how bad it is going to be. And then I remember the day I got my veneers put on. It took much longer than the dentist expected, and my anesthesia was wearing off. I remember him telling me that I was going to have to either endure the pain, without anesthesia, for another hour....or I was going to have to come back the next day. I had waited years for this smile so I told him to keep going. To give you an idea what "keep going" really meant, it is like getting a cavity filled without being numb. Probably one of the worst feelings in the world. But I wanted that smile and I didn't want to wait any longer. Looking back that was the craziest night ever, and I probably should have waited one more day.....but, the feeling I felt when he was done made it all worth it.

I still get goosebumps now when I think about the first time I looked in the mirror. He told me to walk over to the mirror and smile and so I did. I had to shut the door as I stared in the mirror because the tears were rolling down my face at a rapid speed. I finally had a pretty smile. I could finally smile and JUST smile, without worrying. It may sound silly but to me it was so refreshing.

That was about 5 1/2 years ago and I must say that was the best thing I ever did. Not because I am vain, or because my teeth are different, but because I now can smile with joy again. I had smiled with joy before, but the day that 12 year old boy said those words he stole that joy. You read about people getting plastic surgery or cosmetic work done all the time, and many do not agree with it, but the work I had done was not done in vain. In a way it symbolized me getting something back that was taken from me way too early in life.

This morning God reminded me that my worth is not in the way I look, not in the things I do, and especially not in the way other people see me. My worth is in Him. He used my memories of my imperfect so smile to open the door to teach me this again today, and I am thankful for that. I already knew this, but this world has a way of distracting us and trying to get us to believe differently.

You may ask why I titled this post "A Pretty Smile, Priceless."

There is no way I could ever put a price on my "smile" journey. The procedures I had done were extremely expensive procedures, but God made a way through the giving spirit of two dentists. They probably have no idea the kind of impact they made on my life and you can't put a price on that.

Many times people will tell me I have a pretty smile. I will say thank you, and then smile bigger. I am not smiling bigger because of what they said, I am smiling bigger because I know what it took to get here. Even though it was a rough road, God used the entire process to teach me something that is much more priceless than any smile. He taught me that my worth is in Him.

I did include include pictures. Before and after my smile journey. I have done posts before about other things, where I didn't include pictures, and I got harassed..haha. So there you go, before and after. Not sure how much you can see/tell but there it is. But please know that the most important part of this entire journey cannot be captured in a picture, but only in the heart.

Before...


And after....




And then of course Miss Brylee in her pigtails, my new favorite hair style :)