Mix of emotions

I don't know how to describe the last 24 hours in any other way than....a mix of emotions. I think it is pretty obvious that life has not been easy in the Horton house lately. Even when life is hard I always tell myself that it could be worse...so much worse. And I truly believe that. I read blogs every day where all I can do is cry for them, and their words are a constant reminder that life can always be worse. I think we all know that.

But even when you know that life could be worse, all of our rough situations are still rough to us. Does that make sense? I have known people to be ugly when a friend of mine blogs that she is struggling because her struggles are not "that bad." It has always bothered me when I hear of that because who's to say if someones struggles are "that bad." In all honesty, none of us really know what goes on in someones life 100% and because of that we should just love them.

I guess I have been hesitant to write too much about life around here because I am weak right now and I probably couldn't handle someone telling me that "things really are not that bad." Because no matter what I could ever write (whether it is my pain or people I loves pain), life could always be so much worse. But like I said, that doesn't mean that our pain is not pain. Plus, I don't have the freedom to write about everything that is going on in me and around me. If there were only 10 readers of this blog then maybe I could....but that is not the case. Everyone involved in all my situations read this blog and because of that my freedom decreases. I guess it doesn't technically take away my freedoms but I respect people enough to not air their junk too all over my blog. It is weird because many times I have freely written because I was able to write from my point of view, my pain, my hurt, my lessons that were being learned. But right now, all of my "stuff" is so twisted into the lives of others that I cannot even go there on here.

I get it but at the same time I don't like beating around bushes. Several friends have told me that in the last two weeks I have been very vague in my writings and I apologize for that. I don't mean to be,  but at the same time I don't want to be completely fake and act like things are great.  But...because of what I said earlier...I can't just lay it all out there. Am I making any sense?

I am just in a very hard place when it comes to my blog, when it comes to being transparent, when it comes to being a leader, and when it comes to being a wife. I am just weak right now, in a funk, and not sure how to get out of it.

In my quite time this morning I read something about becoming anxious that I am trying to hold onto today. It said...

When you feel anxious, know that you are focusing on the visible world and leaving Me out of the picture. The remedy is simple: Fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen.

I needed to read that because I was feeling like I wanted to just quit everything that I am doing. Everything. I hate not knowing how to fix a situation, I hate when I make a decision that only makes my situation worse, I hate when I lose hope, the list could go on and on. And like I said yesterday....I have been stinking it up in some very crucial areas of my life because I can't get a hold of my thoughts on a daily basis like I have been biblically taught to do. I just stink right now. And if I could, I promise I could tell you all the reasons that I stink and you would actually believe me that I am in a yuck place.

I know that stress is playing a big role in all of this because of our living situation right and knowing that we have to find a home soon and move asap. That is stressful but not nearly the end of the world, I know that. But when stressful things start adding up then I find it harder and harder to be strong in the areas that are really and truly important. Like my marriage, my women's ministry, my friendships, my children, my family, my personal time with the Lord, things like that. So I guess you could say that many of the "important things" are on the rocks too because the stress is building up higher than I am used to.

Yesterday I sincerely prayed for a very long time that God would tear the walls down that I have been building the last few weeks in order to protect myself. I prayed that He would be with several friends that were having babies, losing babies, and worried about their babies. I prayed that He would let me see Brandon the way that He sees Brandon because the tense level around here has been escalating no doubt. I prayed wisdom on what step to take next in many situations that need closure, clarity and guidance.

I prayed a lot and I ended my day sitting in a booth (alone) at a restaurant completely captivated by a blog that was written by a husband who lost his wife traumatically. He was left with 2 little boys and all he has to cling to is His faith in the Lord. The waitress thought I was crazy, I am sure, because I was just crying...and crying....and crying.....as God reminded me that life could always be worse. I was so inspired by this mans words as he wrote about his love for his wife and the strength he has found in the Lord. I sat there crying and wondering if I could ever be that strong if tragedy hit my family that way. I wanted to be able to say YES but when I sat back and saw that I was falling apart with life right now I began to wonder. Because life is hard for me right now....but it is nowhere near tragic or anything close to what this man was writing about.

I know that it was a divine appointment for me to be in that booth, reading those words, and desiring to do better than I am doing from here on out. I know that we all struggle, and I am just being very hard on myself, but I still want to to "deal better" if that makes any sense at all....

So I am emotional today. And this post just took a much different direction than I had planned but that's ok.

Life is good because God is good and God promises to never leave our side when life gets rough. So yes, life is good. But that doesn't mean we won't struggle. And all I needed to say is that I am struggling because I am human. Anyone in that boat with me?!

Anyway, yesterday I told you about out morning dance party time! We decided to take some pictures of it. The bathroom is a mess because Brylee loves to empty out her panty drawer every day....but this is the part of my life that I run to when I am struggling. These girls are such a joy and such a light in my life! Just a little bit of a picture of our morning dance parties...

And then we are ready to start the day! Hope your Friday is a good one!

Each day is a precious gift from My Father....