Her baby & her faith.

This was post was originally written Wednesday, February 6th. 

(I want to preface this by saying that my sister, Audra, gave me full permission to write from my heart about this. She believes God uses our joys and our pain to express His love and she felt this might be one of those times.) 

Proverbs 5:3

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

When I was in college I used to teach a small group of middle school girls at church. During that time is when I realized I had a heart for teaching, a heart for women, and a heart to pour into others the things that the Lord has poured into me. I was young and just beginning, and was not anywhere near close to ever feeling like I did a good job, but one thing that we did well was put scripture into our minds each week. Over that year I grew to love these 12 year old girls and walked away sharing a bond that I don't think I will ever forget. We adopted this verse above, kind of as our own. We memorized it and it felt good to have a few of Gods words hidden in our hearts. 

Since then I have memorized other verses but this one has always stuck out in my head, and God always has a special way of reminding of me of this verse during the times I need it most. 

Today was one of those days. 

I shed many, many tears today. My heart has been heavy, and my mind has lacked the ability to understand God at times. I love God with all my heart, but there are times that I don't understand His will or His plan. In those moments I desperately desire to understand, but sometimes the pain hurts so bad and my mind becomes foggy. Deep down in my heart I know without a shadow of a doubt that His plan has meaning and that His plan is much more beautiful than anything I could have ever come up with.....but sometimes when I am in the middle of hurting it is hard to get my mind to catch up with my broken-heart. 

Three weeks ago my sister found out that she was pregnant. My heart literally skipped a beat, or a few beats, for her because it was over-flowing with endless joy. My sister is my very best friend and my life is better because of her. She pushes me to be a better person and she is a precious jewel. You can imagine what I felt for her when she told me. I literally flew into her arms and tears filled my eyes. We were all so very happy. 

From the minute that she told me there was "a baby" I started to love that baby. Audra loves my girls like they are her own and it is the most amazing thing to watch her love them. When I realized that I was going to be "an aunt" I thought...."yes! I finally get to love her baby like she loves mine."  My heart was so full of love for this baby. 

Over the last few days she started to feel like something was not ok. We got scared, we cried, we prayed....and prayed....and prayed....

Monday night I was up all night long. I was worrying. I had found myself on google throughout that entire day, even into 2 and 3 in the morning. I was searching for hope.....on google. I would go to one website, and type in her symptoms, and it was say that it's "normal" and I would cling to those words for my hope. 

Then I would go to another website, and see that her symptoms were signs on miscarriage and that one, single word would steal my hope in an instance. I would begin to cry and my anxiety would become so overwhelming.

So what did I continue to do? 

I continued to search for hope....in all the wrong places....on google. 

Around 4 in the morning I saw a post on Facebook and God convicted me.

It said...."Let your faith be bigger than your fears."

It was like He grabbed me, shook me, and wanted to know why I was searching for hope from words on a website. I don't normally function that way, but in those hours I was so fearful that my sister was going to lose her baby that I was willing to cling to anything that would tell me that her baby was ok. 

But the second God got my attention, I realized that it did not matter what any website said. God is good and He knows the plans for our life. Bottom line. I reminded myself that everyone's life matters, no matter how long or short it is, and that this baby's life would bring glory to God.....no matter what the doctor told my sister at her appointment. 

I think there are many times, in all of our lives, where we are weak.....and we get desperate. We cling to anything we can to keep our heads above water and keep ourselves from drowning. Addictions, relationships, the internet and "statistics," our children, our friends.....we cling to anything we can to either numb the pain or to allow the words of another human being to make us "feel ok." 

Sometimes it is little things. Women often cling to a number on a scale in the morning and they allow that number to determine their self-worth for the day. Sometimes it is big things. Marriages blow-up and many run to alcohol, or "friends," or someone to make them feel better in that moment. 

Monday night that is what I chose and I was ashamed. I knew where my true hope could be found and yet I allowed my fears to overcome me. 

I woke Tuesday morning with a different perspective. This situation was in Gods hands, and He knew His plan, and it didn't matter if we knew His plan or why. I told Audra about my conviction and my fears and in that moment she said a few words that truly expressed her faith in God. There had been several situations where we felt God already working and prayers were being prayed for her and her baby.  

And she said that if she lost the baby, but yet it brought someone to faith in God, then it would be worth the pain. 

My entire body had goose-bumps when she said those words. She wasn't just saying it...she meant it with all her heart. Over the last few days I have seen "faith" in a whole new way. I have seen a strength in her that has motivated me to grow more in my own faith. I have always been "the big sister," the one that has always tried to be strong in hard situations. I have always tried to take care of her and make sure that she was always ok. But over the last few days, her steps in faith have taken care of me. Her words in these fearful moments have comforted me and reminded me of where true hope is found. I have always known it, since I was a little girl, but the fear of my sister hurting was so painful for me that I became so weak.....and her faith in God carried me the last few days. It was her body, and her baby, but yet it was her faith that carried me.

Today she found out that her baby was in Heaven. 

My entire body shook when she told me, tears flooded down my face uncontrollably, and I wanted so badly to take it away from her. I wanted it to be me so that she didn't have to feel this pain. I have always wanted to protect her and there was nothing I could do. I can't even type very well right now because my eyes can't see through my tears. My heart is broken but yet I have such a calming peace inside. 

Although my flesh doesn't understand, and the human in me wants to be so angry, I can't help but re-read the text that she sent me a few hours ago. 

We were texting back and forth, and one of the last lines she sent said this....

"God is so good. I am truly in awe of Him. Ross and I spent a lot of time praying and saying goodbye."

Completely amazing. Peace like that cannot be found in anything else but God. I promise you. We can search for "chances of survival from cancer" on google and even if it says 95% chance it still doesn't give you complete and overwhelming peace like God does. 

Peace like my sister is feeling only comes from one place. Yes, she is hurting. Yes, she is very sad. We all are. But when God lives inside of you, and you truly believe that He works all things together for good, then you can find a hope that cannot found in a bottle of alcohol, a relationship, or any words from another human being. 

And in situations like this, we all need that kind of peace and that kind of hope in our lives.

Audra told me that Gods plan has always been better in her life. It wasn't always easy, but His plan was always better. Many prayers were not answered like she prayed.....they were answered in ways that were so much better than what she prayed. 

I believe this is one of those times where we don't understand right now but we truly believe that Gods plan will be even more beautiful than any plan we could come up with on our own. 

This baby's life mattered and Gods love was able to shine brightly today because of her baby's life. The minute that baby was conceived it had a life and was very loved. Every single time I see the word "faith" I will think about today and all that God taught me through this time of heartache.

My sister is the most amazing person in the world. It is remarkable to think about how God has worked in her life over the years and to see her standing firm in her faith for God the way she is. 

Today I just wanted to celebrate this pregnancy because it mattered. 

And even though we don't understand it all, we will trust that He does.

Proverbs 5:3

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

Audra, You are my very best friend. Your strength is beautiful and your heart shines brighter than anything I have ever seen. God will continue to use your pain for His glory. I love you so very much. 

We took this picture right after she told us she was pregnant. We were joyful and we are glad we got to experience that joy and celebrate a life that truly mattered.